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, December 22, 1928 Issue
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48 C o l l i e r ' s for December 22, 1928
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Just what She Wanted
round moon hung above the trees on
the shore, and near it glittered a brilliant
"Once when I was a child I wanted
that star," said Fern.
"Did you get it?" asked Clifford.
"Yes, I think I did."
"You're a charming little liar," said
"Thanks awfully," said Fern.
She took off her hat, and the moon
found her hair.
"It was nice, wasn't it?"
"Very pleasant," said Clifford.
"We danced very well together, didn't
"I stepped on you once."
"Oh, but that was my fault. I got
out of step. I was thinking of—of
"You were wishing I was George,"
said Clifford calmly.
"I was thinking," continued Fern,
"that I'd like to see you in a fight."
Clifford sat woodenly beside her. Her
shoulder was touching his. He was
afraid to move lest he should increase
that oddly embarrassing pressure.
"Suppose I got knocked out," he said.
"But you v;ouldn't! And anyway, if
you did, it wouldn't matter."
"What wouldn't matter?"
"Nothing," said Fern.
The boat stopped humming and
drifted quietly into the dock. Fern and
Clifford got out. When they reached the
house, there was no sign of Papa and
"I suppose," Fern said, "we'll just
have to sit up and wait some more for
They were sitting on a wicker couch
placed in the shadow of the hduse wall.
Clifford didn't know quite how it happened,
but after a brief interval—during
which his mind seemed to have
wandered—he realized that Fern was
asleep on his shoulder. It was a delicate
predicament for him to be in. If
he got up, he would wake her. If he sat
still, she would continue to sleep on his
It seemed hardly fair to wake her.
Poor kid, she probably was tired. So
Clifford sat still, and tried not to be
aware of the sweet young body pressing
trustfully against him. He closed
his eyes, and a pleasant blankness descended
upon him. Without changing
his position he seemed to float, at ease,
upon a starry sea of space. . . . The
moon came up and put her head on his
QUDDKNLY the moon burst in his face.
^ startled, he opened his eyes and saw
the porch light glaring down at him
from its niche over the doorway. Then
through that doorway came two figures.
One was George. 'The other was an
elderly gentleman who looked happy,
and who wabbled.
"George!" said Clifford, springing to
"Well, well!" said George. "Well,
well, well, well, well, well, well!"
"Who isht?" said the elderly gentleman,
pointing his finger at Clifford.
"'Smy brother Clifford," said George.
"Oh! Zat your brother Clifford,
" 'Smy brother Clifford."
" 'S big, isinee?"
"Yes, isinee big? 'Lo, Clifford!"
"George," said Clifford, "you're
"I'm tighter'n George," said the elderly
"Papa!" cried Fern, jumping up from
the couch behind Clifford. "Papa, what
have you been doing?"
Continued from page 24
Mr. Peabody blinked his eyes.
"M'dear," he said, "I've been defyin'
the laws of nature and the eighteensh
Amendment. George 'n' I had dinner at
the club. Then we went to see a show,
then we went to see 'nother show, then
we went to see Yew Nork. Haven't
seen it for years. George's never seen
it, have you, George?"
"Have now," said George. " 'S wonderful!"
" 'S marvelous!" sang Mr. Peabody,
and burst into immoderate laughter.
"Papa!" pleaded Fern. "Do go in and
take some milk of magnesia. This is
going to be terrible for your gout."
"Gout's all gone. Kitten," said Mr.
Peabody solemnly. "Issen it, George?"
"All gone," said George.
"Wha's your big brother doin' here,
Clifford answered that question himself,
"I'm here, Mr. Peabody, to take
George home with me. Get your hat
and come along, George."
"Can't," said George. "Lost my hat.
Blew off my head and a horse stepped
riLIFFORD HALEY stepped forward
^ and grasped his younger brother by
the arm. "You're going home with me,
George!" he said. "Right now!"
"No," said George.
"I say yes!" growled Clifford.
In This Issue
THE INFANT TURRIBLE. By Guy Gilpatric. In which a silver
screen star didn't know he should be seen and not heard.
IN ONE EAR. Anonymous Page 10
MARRIAGE FOR TWO. By Arthur Somers Roche. A new
serial of love which was born in revenge . . . Page 11
BEAUTIFUL AND DUMB. By Rob Wagner. Keep your dog
away from Hollywood . . . . . . Page 13
HOLE IN ONE! By Frank Condon. The success story of Senator
Wilberforce Gander . . . . . . Page 16
HAPPINESS OR BUST. By Uncle Henry . . Page 19
A LARGE EVENING. In Pictures . . . . Page 20
JUST WHAT SHE WANTED. By Dana Burnet. A love story.
GENIUS WINS. By Ned Tomlinson. A short short story.
THE KID'S CLEVER. By Gus Edwards. Act three of a Broadway
review . . . . . . . . . Page 26
IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT. By John B. Watson . Page 29
THE SHEPHERD OF GUADALOUPE. By Zane Grey. A novel
of the West with complete synopsis . . . Page 30
THE BATHING BEAUTY. By Elsie Singmaster. A powerful
and understanding story of a Pennsylvania hill-billy Page 32
HOW WOULD YOU PLAY IT? By Milton C. Work Page 34
A CANDIDATE FOR THE CLOISTER. By The Gentleman at
the Keyhole Page 40
COLLIERGRAPHS Page 42
SYNTHETIC DIAMONDS. By Edwin E. Slosson Page 44
THE MINORITY RULES. By Jack Binns . . Page 46
EDITORIALS Page 50
P. F. C O L L I E R & S O N C O M P A N Y
Execuliv<.' An6 Editorial Offices: 350 Park Avenue,NewYork,N.Y.
6 HenrieHd SlreelXovenf Garden, London.W C- 3 Published at Sprin^lield.Ohio
Thomas H. Beck George |.Kennedy William R Larkin Albert E.Winger
Vice President Vice President Treasurer
Manuscripts submitted to Collier's, The National Weekly, should be accompanied
by sufficient postajre for their return if found unavailable. ]Jut the
publisher can accept no respnnsibility for return of unsolicited manuscripts.
PRODUCED BY UNZ.ORG
Table of Contents
The Infant Turrible
by Guy Gilpatric, pp. 8-9 -
In which a silver screen star didn't know he should be seen and not heard
In One Ear
by Anonymous, p. 10 -
Marriage for Two
by Arthur Somers Roche, pp. 11-12 -
A new serial of love which was born in revenge
Beautiful and Dumb
by Rob Wagner, pp. 13-15 -
Keep your dog away from Hollywood
Hole in One!
by Frank Condon, pp. 16-18 -
The success story of Senator Wilberforce Gander
Happiness or Bust
by Uncle Henry, p. 19 -
A Large Evening
, pp. 20-21 -
Just What She Wanted
by Dana Burnet, pp. 22-24 -
A love story
by Ned Tomlinson, p. 25 -
A short short story
The Kid's Clever
by Gus Edwards, pp. 26-28 -
Act three of a Broadway review
It's Your Own Fault
by John B. Watson, p. 29 -
The Shepherd of Guadaloupe
by Zane Grey, pp. 30-31 -
A novel of the West with complete synopsis
The Bathing Beauty
by Elsie Singmaster, pp. 32-33 -
A powerful and understanding story of a Pennsylvania hill-billy
How Would You Play It?
by Milton C. Work, pp. 34-39 -
A Candidate for the Cloister
, pp. 40-41 -
By The Gentleman at the Keyhole
, pp. 42-43 -
by Edwin E. Slosson, pp. 44-45 -
The Minority Rules
by Jack Binns, pp. 46-49 -
, pp. 50-52 -
by Van Buskirk, -
"Our American Pravda"
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